Bill Belichick vs Ben Franklin

Critically thinking about girlfriends

Unless you’ve been under a rock (or have a dislike for prurient stories) you are well aware of Bill Belichick and his new main squeeze. [Alert: if the later is you, then don’t read the rest of this.]

Bill (age 72) is the famous football coach whose curmudgeon personality and visage seem to fit the phrase “only a mother could love.”

But then along comes Jordon Hudson (age 24) and they are suddenly an item (Bill is a widower). Two sample pix of the lovebirds (out of many):

The latest chapter of this saga is that Bill has now concluded that he may need to hire a PR firm as this matter is clearly getting out of hand. Duh!

OK, out of curiosity I looked up what “Beli” meant. There are a variety of possible origins, from Slavic (= White) to Hebrew (= Unrestrained). Respecting this uncertainty would mean we should use both. So, translating Bill’s last name we get: “unrestrained white chick.” In other words, it may be that Bill has little or no choice here, as this is his familial destiny…

Ben Franklin —

OK, that is interesting, but what does this have to do with Ben? Mr. Franklin is an acknowledged genius who has demonstrated superior aptitude in a wide variety of fields. Among these, historians have noted that Ben was an accomplished ladies man — well into his 80’s. Like Bill, he didn’t fit the handsome dude model, so clearly he was able to charm the ladies otherwise.

Due to his reputation with romantic success, he was solicited by other men for his opinions, strategies, secrets, etc. One of the most interesting exchanges he had was when a friend (apparently the playboy type) asked him: for dalliances, which would he prefer as a paramour: a younger woman or an older one? This inspired Ben to write his friend a letter, which has become world-famous. Interestingly, he wrote this in 1745, when he was 39 years old.

For those who have not had the pleasure of savoring this masterpiece, here it is — almost in flagrante delicto:

My Dear Friend,

I know of no medicine fit to diminish the violent natural inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you.

Marriage is the proper remedy. It is the most natural state of man, and therefore the state in which you are most likely to find solid happiness. Your reasons against entering into it at present appear to me not well-founded.

The circumstantial advantages you have in view by postponing it are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the man and woman united that make the complete human being. Separate, she wants his force of body and strength of reason; he, her softness, sensibility, and acute discernment.

Together they are more likely to succeed in the world. A single man has not nearly the value he would have in that state of union. He is an incomplete animal. He resembles the odd half of a pair of scissors. If you get a prudent, healthy wife, your industry in your profession, with her good economy, will be a fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this counsel, and persist in thinking a commerce with the other sex inevitable, then I repeat my former advice: that in all your amours you should prefer older women to younger ones. You call this a paradox, and demand my reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.

2. Because when women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility. They learn to do a thousand services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an older woman who is not a good woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because through more experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion. The commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be rather inclined to excuse an older woman who would kindly take care of a younger man, form his manners by her good counsel, and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.

5. Because in every animal that walks upright, the deficiency of the fluids that fill the muscles appears first in the highest part. The face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the neck; then the breast and arms; the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever, so that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to know an older from a younger one. And as in the dark all cats are grey, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an older woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement.

6. Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make for her an unhappy life.

7. Because the compunction is less. The having made a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflections, none of which can attend the making an older woman happy.

8th and lastly. They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly.

Being sincerely your affectionate friend, Ben.

I’m with Ben!

PS: Still not convinced? Brooke Burke at 53 is about thirty years older than Jordon — so she would fit the description of Ben’s older woman. Case closed!

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